im gonna start video blogging.

being content with who i am: happy.

so 2 nights ago i got the pleasure of visiting Mickey's Diner in St. Paul, MN. it was an establishment created in 1938 and is most well known for its feature in the mighty ducks movies! so it was quite the treat to get and visit!

well while i was there with a few friends the cook/main person working since it was pretty late/early in the morning asked he if could ask me a personal question. i said yes. he said "are you usually this happy and upbeat?" and i smiled and responded with "i am so excited to say, yes i am! :)"

i have not always been a positive and upbeat person. it took me a long time to get to where i was today. i used to hate myself, i used to cry myself to sleep every night, i used to wish that i could be anyone else but me. i was the quite the unhappy person. i disliked every moment about it. it wasnt me, it wasnt who God created me to be!

i can say with the uttermost joy that i am no longer that person. i am someone who smiles on a regular basis, laughs almost every few minutes, and loves and cares about people deeply. i have joy. i am happy. i am positive. and i wouldnt change it for the world.

however, there are people who do not understand how i can be like this. they tell me that i am just being unrealistic and not practical. and this could very well be true. but to me it doesnt matter. i am not going to apologize for who i am or the joy that i have. so what if i want the best and look for the best in people. so what if i think and hope for things that arent realistic, it is what makes me happy. it is who God created me to be.

i am unconditionally loved by the creator of this world. always and forever. he is never changing. for some crazy reason he calls me his daughter and is well pleased. i cannot explain it or fully understand it. but i know that it is truth. so i will forever be a joyful person and want to share my joy with others.

this means i will continue to: ask people how they are doing, even if i have no idea who they are. i will say words like fantastic and radical to describe how i am doing. i will always smile and laugh even if i am having a bad day. i will remember how loved i am by the Lord and continue to follow him every day.

mistakes....

in the past week or so i have a few interesting encounters. this encounters have led me to be reminded about where i come from. the mistakes i have made in my past, the things i regret, and the moments i wish i could take back. unfortunately i have more than a few. however i know that God uses all things for his glory and i know that he gives us a story for a reason...

...but lately i have really just been struggling with the fact of why. why did i have to wonder from the path so much. why did i have to be so stupid? why did i end up hurting people's feelings. i just dont understand. somethings just dont make sense in this world and i dont know if they ever will...

that is why we need a savior. Jesus is the only answer. he is sufficient. he is enough. he is everything. even though i might not ever understand why i had to go through what i did to get to where i am today i know that God loved me and all of us enough to have his own son die on a cross to cover all of our sins....

it is the most undeserved beautiful gift i have ever received and ever will.

uniquely made...

so tonight i was at a worship service and the focus was being thankful because we way too often take the blessings God has given us for granted.

well during this service i could not help but focus on how thankful i am that God has wonderfully and uniquely made me. and how much i forget this and screw it up. how often i get caught up in the world and the way they view me. how often i believe the lies of satan that i am alone in this world. how often i fall short. how often i for get that i am wonderfully and uniquely made.

thinking about it now just overcomes me with such emotion. God cares about me enough to take time to create my every being, every aspect of me and my life. how amazing. what love. and he continues to create me and mold me even though i all too often fall back into the situations above.

the love of God is something that i will never fully understand or even partly understand. all i know that it is the best gift i have ever received and i dont want to be passively thankful anymore. but i want to be proactive in remember each and every moment of everyday of what a gift it truly is!

an empty feeling...

my name is written on His heart...



those are strong words that i think all too often i take for granted. over the past few days i have been finding myself asking the question "do i really love God?" and i think honestly my answer is no, atleast not the way i should.

i want to love God with every bone in my body, but my actions so often show otherwise. i want to be someone who is radiating Gods love, to have such an intimate relationship with Him that my eyes are only upon Him.

but as easy is it is for me to say this, life seems to get in the way. i get busy, i get distracted, i find myself compromising and "justifying" things to make it seem ok as to why my relationship with the Lord is "on hold". but the honest truth is that there is nothing more important, ever!

so this week i have been being intentional about God time. asking for a deeper relationship, fasting to focus on Him. realizing that i need to be patient and wait on Him. He will show up! He will answer our crys and our prayers, His word says that.

so i am at a point of brokenness. a point of being on my needs crying out to God because i feel distant, i feel so far away. but that isnt where the story ends, thankfully. today in chapel the speaker reminded us how we are never too far away for God. that he will always be there to pick us up and surround us with loving arms. always and forever...

how deep the Father's love for us...

a joyful noise

today i started my volunteering position. this year i am volunteering at a women's shelter. this shelter is for women coming out of domestic abuse, prostitution, prison, drug rehab, etc. it is a facility where not only the women can stay but also their children, that are under about age 12. since today was my first day i really had no idea what to expect, i had been there once before for my interview, but this was my first time interacting with the residents. and in a nut shell, my time there tonight, completely wrecked me...

i have grown up living an amazing life. i have had opportunities that very few people in the world have. i have been loved by crazy radical parents and also had a beautiful support system. where as the children and women i was with tonight have seen things and experienced things that no one should have to. they will forever be affected because of these situations. their joy has been taken from them. but tonight that is not what i experienced.

at dinner one of my new friends zoey, she is in 3rd grade, reminded me of something so important. she came up to me and asked me if i was a new resident and i replied with no i was just the new volunteer who would be there on thursday nights. she said "oh well did you know that God is your DAD, he is everyone's DAD and loves us so much!"

she had joy. so much joy. she continued to sing songs and praise God the rest of the night that i was with her. i could not help but have tears in my eyes. a young girl who has had a way harder life at such a young age than most of us ever experience has nothing but joy because she knows that God is her dad and loves her always.

so i couldnt help but think why cant i have this joy all of the time? joy like zoey a girl who cannot stop singing praise to God, her father. why do i get caught up in all of the patterns of the world? why do i let the petty drama in my life overtake and consume me? why do i get so caught up in my schedule and idolize it? why am i so worried about being accepted by people who will fade away? why cant i be like zoey and praise God out loud in every moment because he deserves it!

it is so easy to get caught up in the little and big things of our lives. but we need to keep our eyes fixed upon the Lord! it is that simple. be like zoey, so overcome with joy, that she can't help but be a joyful noise

ROMANS 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

optimism: a hopeful idea

Quote I read this morning: Hope and optimism are essential qualities for the servant of God who battles with the powers of darkness over the souls of men and women...

in my eyes, positivity is a marvelous thing. however, in our society today it seems like positivity is becoming more and more seen as a negative thing. people see positivity as an unrealistic thing or a wishful thinker. with that said, i view positivity and optimism are tools to help us focus on our hope, which is Jesus Christ.

when i find myself in a tough time or stressed out if i can stay optimistic it helps me focus on God, realizing that there is a bigger plan that i cannot always see, which then gives me hope. optimism is essential to this. it is a gift from God. it is a attitude that we choose. it is that simple.

so always remembered to be encouraged by the little things in life, don't take them for granted. find optimism always. focus on the good and not the bad. remember that you are loved more than you will ever know by a King. be thoughtful and know that we all stumble, but as one of my favorite song's puts it, "if grace is and ocean we are all sinking!"